More Or Less

===>

THIS. Is why you do NOT take your glasses off.
You should NOT mess with you again. Do NOT try this shit even ONE MORE TIME.
You and you have to work TOGETHER. Got it?

Leo: Begin hormone replacement therapy, immediately.

And, this one! This one!
Oh. My fucking. GOD.

Leo: Do a bunch of bullshit things.

You are considering the actions you could partake in, when, all of a sudden, you have all of these urges to eat food. So. Much. Food.
You swear to the gods that if ONE MORE IDEA regarding food pops into your head, you will sic the yellow smiling men upon …
Well, you’ll sic the yellow smiling men upon someone, that’s for sure.

Author’s note: YES THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS???

===>

You are LEO FENECH. Your forename has THREE LETTERS and your surname has SIX LETTERS. This means that you have a total of NINE LETTERS in your FULL NAME.
You are EXTREMELY WISE. In fact, you are so wise that people keep trying to diagnose you with NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. They are FOOLISH. It’s just them being jealous of your WISDOM.
Your WISDOM includes such ~~superstitions~~ ~~rituals~~ highly advanced scientific methods such as MAKING SURE YOU ARE ALWAYS WITHIN TWO FEET OF A MIRROR, having LIT TETRAGRAMMATON CANDLES, old pieces of HIGHLY IMPORTANT PAPER, and YELLOW SMILING MEN.
You’re not particularly sure why you have the yellow smiling men. But they bring comfort. Who is to question the yellow smiling men?
You also have GREEN HAIR. You are extremely proud of your ACID GREEN HAIR. It reeks of DOOM. It is extremely COOL and EDGY which is what everyone is into these days.
When you don’t have important things to do such as COMBING THE HAIR OF THE YELLOW MEN and VIOLENTLY OVERTHROWING THE RACIST MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX you enjoy SLEEPING because when you SLEEP you get these REALLY COOL DREAMS and OH MY GOD THEY ARE SO COOL.
You have NO IDEA how to USE these CAPITAL LETTER THINGIES but they put EMPHASIS on certain IMPORTANT THINGS so you THINK they are PROBABLY being used WELL.
What ELSE, what ELSE…

Oh, yes.
Your TAG on the so-called “chat” WEBSITE is opulentUser and you like t0 ▓peak ex▓ept with ▓0me ▓en▓0ring… g0tta make ▓ure the 0pp▓ d0n’t figure out what y0u’re ▓aying…

Enter REAL name.

Yes. Yes, that seems like a good name. Probably, since it is your actual name.
By the way, you lied about your name having five letters. It has three. You are Leo Fenech.
Wait fuck you gotta do this correctly

Who's this douchebag?

Oh, come on. You are decidely not a douchebag.
You are a dickwad, maybe an asshole at best. But you are far removed from the realm of douchebaggery.

Enter name.

Well, your surname /is/ six letters. But your forename is five. Incorrect. Get a fucking grip.

Be someone else.

You are now someone else. You are looking out your window, and haven’t noticed that your name hasn’t been selected yet.
Let’s fix that. What is your name?

Cass: optatoeos.

yum yun m..m m.potopaotes,. ., ., ,..,i lovoptosaol,,,,,,,,,, yum,…,

Oh dear.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
I do belive our friend has been … incapacitated … for the timebeing. And we were just getting off to a good start..!
Let me switch you over to someone else.

Cass: Fry a potato.

Okay, now that you think about it, maybe you were a bit too hasty on the potato front.
Raw potatoes are disgusting. But, fried potatoes..? Mm.m…. ptateos

Cass: Eat potatoes.

No, it’s not the time for K.
And it’s not the time for potatoes either??
Why the hell would you eat potatoes??
No eggs, no potatoes, no nothing?? What is this??

Cass: Recheck the time.

You /could/ try to double check you didn’t, like, zone out or something. Yeah, that’s a good idea.
You load up CHU, recently acquired by Chemicle - you’ve not used it before, but may as well start.
…
And, it confirms it, you’re just … sleep deprived, that must be it. Sleep deprivation.
??? What’re they doing, messaging you now of all times ??? Don’t they live in, like, Augusta or something??

===>

Okay what the HELL was THAT??
You ABSOLUTELY have to tell your friends about this.

===>

…

Cass: Check outside window.

The outside world. You haven’t gone outside in hours, now. Although… it’s rather bright for nine p.m.

Cass: Calm down again.

Yes… Yes, let’s calm down. Let’s all be calm and happy. There, that’s it.

Cass: Consume copious amounts of energy drinks.

Energy drinks? You would never! No, you are far, far removed from the realm of aluminum cans and taurine.
Tea, however…
You… better not …

Cass: Peace and quiet.

Thank goodness for that. Your friends - if they can really be called that - are quite loud. Better just chill for a little bit.
Although, it’s getting late - it’s half past nine or so already. Something has to be done about your tired state.

Cass: Respond to your other messages.

Oh! Yeah, HH isn’t the only one online right now. Let’s check.

-- misterVampire began a conversation at 21:17:08 --

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ hello my friend !! how are you today bveh

xH: o# vampy #ow are we

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ im okay !! um do you have time to talk about something important bveh

xH: yea# anyt#in9 to 9et away from ##

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ who ?? bveh

xH: ##

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ hashtag vat exactly bveh

xH: no i mean #elpful#abeas

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ i forgot how annoying your keyboard is bveh

xH: its fiiiine

xH: wait werent we supposed to be doin9 somet#in9

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ oh yeah bveh

xH: so w#at did you want to talk about

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ ve have to discuss k bveh

xH: w#y w#ats wron9

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ k is just acting a little veird i dunno bveh

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ its kind of scaring me bveh

xH: weirder t#an usual i presume

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ oh my god yes bveh

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ ok but its actually so concerning !! im actually genuinely vorried bveh

xH: youre worried about everyt#in9

xH: all you want is fun fun fun like come on v you #ave to settle down at some point

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ ?? vat does that have to do with anything ?? no no no bveh

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ like

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ ks being creepy… bveh

xH: 9o on

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ like

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ i vas eating lunch in my room the other day bveh

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ and then all of a sudden i get a notification on chemicle bveh

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ “puzzledServant has initiated a conversation vith you”

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ so i go over to my computer bveh

xH: i dont see anyt#in9 weird here vampy

xH: is t#is anot#er one of your novelty trolls

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ no no i svear this is serious bveh

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ k sent me a message that said:

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ “HHEY V YYOU HHAVE TO STOP EATING THAT SALAD THERE ITS GOING TO RRUIN THE CLOUDS”

xH: top ten random

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ no but it vasnt random bveh

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ i vas eating some salad or other just sitting vith my pillows on my bed bveh

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ but i ignored the ominous message of doom bveh

xH: as one does

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ as one does bveh

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ but get this bveh

xH: w#at

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ as soon as i ate another bite of rocket i heard thunder bveh

xH: coincidental but not necessarily odd

xH: are you sure youre not just 9amin9 yourself

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ no no trust me

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ it vas thundering bveh

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ but there vere no clouds in sight bveh

xH: no cars?

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ farm estate

xH: farm estate

xH: crap

xH: ok probably just coincidence

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ unless the lightning strike that killed bessie was also a coincidence ?? bveh

xH: BESSIE??

xH: NOT THE COW???

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ yes the cow bveh

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ and then as soon as it happened i got another message

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ “TTOLD YOU IT WOULD HHAPPEN”

xH: mm

xH: no t#is is stupid

xH: no way t#is is real

xH: if it was you would #ave called me by now or somet#in9

mV: •̀ᵥᵥ•́ no cass trust me bveh

xH: fat c#ance

mV: •̀︵•́ come on

xH: you play tricks on me all t#e time

xH: no point cryin9 bat now

mV: •̀︵•́ cass…

-- xenoHerpetoid ended conversation --

Idiot.

Cass: Respond to your messages.

You decide - begrudgingly - to respond to your message. How you hate this man. You haven’t even turned on your usertags for this DM because you can recognise him instantly.

// Greetings, XH.

// There is important business I must discuss with you anon.

// Kindly contact me as soon as possible.

// You have not contacted me soon enough.

// Contact me as soon as possible.

// This is an urgent matter.

W#AT IS IT YOU NONCE?? W#AT COULD POSSIBLY BE SO IMPORTANT?? I TOLD YOU TO NOT PIN9 ME UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY!!

// I didn’t ping you.

well you set my notifications off. thats 9ood enou9# for me

// But, it’s factually incorrect.

SHUT UP I DONT WANT TO #EAR FROM YOU AT ALL UNDERSTAND

// Are you sure? I think you would be rather regretful to not have this important information.

YES!! YES IM SURE!!

if t#ere was somet#in9 SO IMPORTANT t#en i t#ink i would BLOODY KNOW ABOUT IT OKAY

so

leave

me

alone

// Your loss, o great herpetoid.

Cass: Examine room.

You decide to look around your room, and, ugh. It’s this annoying little git. You were about to explore your bedroom! Granted, you’ve been here for almost a decade and a half, and know it inside out, and could probably build it from scratch in a minute or two - not that that’s relevant or anything - but now /this one/ is trying to speak to you. Better go see what they want.

===>

ghghghghghgghghghghghgh oh it’s stopped.
Sorry for that. Where were we? Were you supposed to be doing something?

Cass: Retrieve real arms.

You’re about to retrieve your real arms when all of a sudden you remember that they’re in the PoLkA dOt RoOm and oh god you’re spinning and falling in this liminal hell let you outt ahahahahaahhhhh cmon i just wanted my arms arrrhghghghhhhhhhhhhh

==> Cass: Demolish your school.

You consider this for a moment. You then realise that you do not actually know what your school looks like, since you don’t have a school.
Well, legally, you do. But to hell with that idea.
You wish you would just get some good ideas.

===>

Let’s start this again.
Your name is CASS SIWARD. As previously mentioned, today is NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY. In fact, it is as far removed from your birthday as possible, since your birthday is September 8. This would make today your half-birthday, although you know exactly zero people who celebrate such an event.
You generally enjoy doing such things as WRITING, especially using your CUSTOM-BUILT INKWELL complete with an ANTIQUE SWAN-FEATHER QUILL (which you can see on the desk beside you).
You’re also quite enthusiastic about ALTERNATE HISTORY and SOCIOLOGY, especially regarding scenarios which result in PAN-LATVIANISM. As far as you know, you’re not descended from even a single Latvian, in fact, you are Welsh and somewhat Danish, but you really like the idea of Latvian domination.
You don’t get around a lot. You’ve been to school maybe two days in your life, despite being FOURTEEN, but you’re still quite INTELLIGENT. But perhaps not in the subject matters that are taught there. You digress – you’re quite a shut-in, however, you do in fact speak to your five friends on THAT NEW CHAT WEBSITE, CHEMICLE. Stupid name.
Your tag on said stupid website is xenoHerpetoid and you speak like t#is. the # and 9 keys on your keyboard are broken, so you’ve 9ot the next best t#in9. people 9et used to it.

Cass: Eat eggs.

… What eggs? No eggs here. This room doesn’t have eggs, it’s a bedroom. What bedroom has eggs? Can you see any eggs here??

Enter REAL name.

There! That wasn’t so hard, was it?

===> kys

What? No! Who would tell you to do such a thing? What a stupid name.

Enter name.

A young individual stands in their bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 9th of March, 2017, is not their birthday at all. It is just a regular day. Even so, they must be given a name.
What will the name of this young person be?